If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize