In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize