i already hear my dad disowning me
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
