you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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