glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
