who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
PANTIES FOUND
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