Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
