Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
