and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
