It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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