How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
