When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
