shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Randomize
