i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
