I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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