The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
