I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
