What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
