I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
