dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
