you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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