Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.