my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
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He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
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I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?