i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Dating After Heartbreak
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.