my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day