I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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