I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
