1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
