he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Randomize
