I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.