Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
