There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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