he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
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