Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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