I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
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Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
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I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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