dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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