I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I could make wine with my vomit
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
