you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
