Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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