i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
