Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
