The brown eye won't let me do that either.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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