Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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