I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
