I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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