in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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