I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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