So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
