I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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