I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
