I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
