sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
