Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
