The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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