Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
