Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
