she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
