Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
